Eat Your Veggies Bitch Brownies

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Fun facts about me: I love honestly, truly love veggies, I also honestly, truly, really love chocolate and, fuck me sideways I do enjoy a good expletive or seven; so imagine my veggie freak mental, chocolate covered delight at the success of these bitchin good brownies! They’re kind of like my gastronomic wet dream – moist and dense without being heavy, dark and bittersweet like good chocolate should be and, of course, with hidden veggies a heavy-handed dose of healthiness so you can forget about all that guilt bullshit.

Although I’m happy to claim all the glory for these gorgeous morsels, I have to attribute some of the success to one of my new favourite baking ingredients – buckwheat flour. As much as l love all things coconut, the flour really fucks with my head, I find it a bit of a wild card in baking but, mixing it with buckwheat flour creates a far better result which is less heavy and has a far more palate pleasing, slightly gooey texture. Buckwheat is also a great option for gluten free peeps, despite it’s name it’s not actually a grain but a fruit seed and is naturally free from gluten as well as being high protein.

Get this stuff

150 grams finely shredded zucchini – you’ll get the best result if you use the parmesan grating side of your grater to really mince it up

1/3 C pureed fruit – pear, apple, peach, whatever – this is a good chance to use up some of that tinned shit in the back of cupboard you never actually eat, but just make sure it’s in juice not that nasty sugar syrup, don’t buy that shit. Not ever.

1 cup strong coffee – you can just use plain old water if you prefer but coffee does give a great depth of flavour and you can use decaf if you want to elimiate the caffeine kicker

2 tsp pure vanilla extract

3 heaped T LSA or flaxseed meal

75 grams melted coconut oil or good quality butter

1 C almond milk or other milk of your choice

1 C cacao or best quality dark cocoa

1/2 C coconut flour

1/2 C buckwheat flour

1/2 tsp baking soda

4 T rice malt syrup

1/2 C granulated stevia – if stevia isn’t your gig feel free to sub in an alternative sweetener but try to make it a healthier version like  extra rice malt syrup or coconut sugar which is lower GI than nasty table sugar. Please just don’t sully these beautiful brownies with that nasty white stuff.

50 grams of really hot shit quality dark chocolate chopped into chunks – optional but why the fuck wouldn’t you?

A few good grinds of pink salt

Do this with it

Preheat the oven to 180 degrees C ideally on fanbake if you have the option. No drama if not, you may just need to bake a little longer. Grease and line a 20 x 20 cm tin or something around about that size, it’s not going to be a deal breaker if it’s a bit bigger.

I hate those recipes where you have to fuck around folding things in gently, sifting and separating and sprinkling pixie dust, I don’t have the patience or the concentration for that kind of shit. So this is not one of those recipes, it’s more of a throw it all in the mixer and bugger off kind of job; easy, fool proof, nigh on impossible to fuck up (even with a stroppy toddler climbing your leg), all in all, far more my style.

Start by putting the grated zucchini, pureed fruit, coffee, vanilla, LSA, oil and milk into the whiz and give it all a good blitz to mix thoroughly. This will also help break down the zucchini a bit more so you don’t get unsightly green streaks in your chocolate goodies. Once it’s all well combined leave it to sit for 5-10 minutes and you’ll see the mixture thicken as the LSA starts to absorb some of the liquid.

Step two, dump everything else, except the chocolate pieces, into the whiz and crank it up for a minute or two to make sure all the dry ingredients are properly mixed through – nothing is going to kill your brownie buzz faster than biting into a nasty uncooked lump of flour! If you’re adding the chocolate pieces (again, why the fuck wouldn’t you?) put them in now and give it another quick blitz just to mix through but not break the chunks up, biting into one of those little gooey chocolate nuggets is like striking gold in the finished product. Now chill the fuck out for another 5-10 minutes to give the super absorbent coconut flour a chance to do it’s thing, again you’ll see the batter thicken and stiffen a bit.

That’s the hard work done, now pour the mixture into the tin and use my lazy bastards trick to smooth it out by dropping the tin from about 10 cms high a few times to get the batter to settle relatively evenly.  You don’t be too pedantic, leave the spirit level in the toolbox, it’ll sort itself out while it cooks. Put it in the oven and bake for 20 -22 minutes, timing may vary a bit depending on your oven but you’ll know it’s done when the top is slightly crusty to touch but the brownie itself will still be soft and moist inside if you give it a gentle press. A good brownie should be a bit gooey so you’re not looking for one of those skewer comes out clean kind of results, bearing in mind that it will also continue to cook a little and set further as it cools.

Now I know from personal experience that the temptation will be to dig into this brown beauty straight away but don’t, it really needs to cool completely to be at its best, so pop it in the fridge for a few hours or better yet overnight, gather all of your willpower to leave it the fuck alone. Trust me on this one, your patience will be rewarded, good things come to those who wait and all that jazz. And this is a good, good thing.

Once it’s cooled cut it into pieces, eat and enjoy. I made it into 25 pieces because I’m so virtuous and dainty – and then eat two pieces at a time when no one is looking, bahahaha!

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4 thoughts on “Eat Your Veggies Bitch Brownies

  1. hahahahahahaa this post made me lol. Have you tried almond flour? I love using it in brownies and it substitutes perfectly. Though I try to use flour mixes instead of just one flour when I’m baking– the combos usually mimic traditional flour much better.

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    1. Yeah almond is a goodie too, but I agree, mixing the flours is the way to go – almond and tapioca is a winning combo. My test is always my non-paleo husband who’ll say ‘weeeeellll, it’s interesting…’, if the baking gets past his real flour and proper fucking cake loving critique it’s a winner!

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    1. I just did half beetroot and half zuc (75 grams of each) which gave it a really lovely richness but I reckon all beet would work just as well too, the veggie content is more just for moisture so it’d be pretty hard to fuck it up. Let’s be honest, if it’s chocolate it’s got a good chance of being a winner!

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