It’s been a long day, it started early and not all that well. By 7:30am I’d cried four times. Once in the middle of a WOD because I was struggling with something that should have been a piece of piss, it was partly frustration, partly injury, but in reality wholly ridiculous, and frankly tears with a barbell did nothing for my hard arse street cred either! Then I came home and lost it with my poor stunned husband over something completely trivial. After that I also cried because my jeans felt funny (pro tip, if you’re already not feeling flash jeans straight out of the dryer are a fucking stupid idea, don’t do that to yourself), because I couldn’t find little Z at playgroup for a minute or two, because Chops shut his finger in a drawer, and again during my yoga session which I’d chosen to focus on shifting emotional clunk. In hindsight none of the tears were over anything significant but days that like come out of the blue sometimes, and it can be frustrating and draining and leave me wondering what the fuck my problem is, what do I need? A reality check, an attitude adjustment, a fucking holiday, a good cry, a hug, a cup of tea and a lie down? All of the above probably.
It’s ironic that my wonky day should happen today on RUOK day here in Australia, a day to promote suicide prevention, recognise mental illness, depression and the importance of connection and support networks. In answer to the question I am okay, my life is good, I’m happy with where things are and I’m generally a pretty resilient kind of girl. But we all have our wobbly days. The days when it feels like you wake up with a weight on your chest and a lump in your throat that just needs to be shifted. Those are the days when something small and seemingly insignificant can tip the balance.
I’ve lost people I loved dearly to suicide including a partner, who I watched suffer with depression before losing the battle, and I’ve seen others fight and thankfully come out the other side. Depression is a vicious illness, it’s brutal for those suffering from it and also for those around them who would do anything to make the hurting stop and to somehow make things better. Having seen how lonely and isolating it can be first hand, I think initiatives like this where we can create connections, raise awareness and start having more conversations about it are such an important way to let people know it’s okay to talk and to ask for help.
Fortunately for me my husband is a smart, sensitive man, so when I flipped this morning he was big enough not to snap back or call me out for acting like an unreasonable psycho (which would have been a fair call), but instead he simply said ‘babe, what’s going on?’ And then I cried again, because even though I’m not even sure myself what’s thrown me off balance I do know that I’m incredibly fortunate, and grateful, to have the support of someone who cares if, and when, I need it. But maybe not everyone does, or more accurately, maybe people who need a bit of support don’t know it’s there for them. Today is a great day to ask the question and to let those you care about know you’re there for them every day.
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