Rocky Road Your World

I’m a massive sucker for a big ole slab of chocolatey, goodie laden, rocky road. That dirty old Darryl Lea knows the way to my heart, and unfortunately also my arse, thighs and muffin top…. So to combat the Easter expansion I decided to throw together a home made, healthified sugar free version.

I grew up with a very health conscious Mum who made everything from scratch and  and she was always pulling stunts like this where she’d put a healthy homemade spin on junk food and try to palm it off on us as ‘just as good as the real thing’. Sometimes she was right, other times we just tasted fraudulence and deception. Yes, fucking ungrateful brats I know, but that’s kids for you.

So yes, I’m well aware that saying you’re making a ‘healthy’ version of some perfectly fucking delicious junk food can often be the death knell to the actual delicious bit (avocado chocolate mousse, I’m looking at you you filthy travesty). But never fear, this is one of the winners.

Rich dark chocolate loaded with fresh marshmallows, roasted almonds and macadamias, juicy raspberries and crunchy cacao nibs.

This uses home made, sugar free marshmallows which might sound like a whole lot of fucking around for a few fluffy lumps, but before you dismiss it as too much admin I swear (often and well no less) that they’re actually pretty easy provided you’ve got an electric beater, because fuck whipping stiff peaks by hand.  They produce excellent, cloud quality marshies that are well worth the extra bit of fannying around to make, plus you get wanker bragging rights.

rocky road 3

Get this stuff


You can find two different versions here, one un-fucking-believably egg free. I shit you not. Whip a batch of these up in advance then all you have to do is make or melt a bit of chocolate to make the rocky road magic happen.

Rocky Road

1/2 C nuts, roughly chopped – almonds, pistachios, macadamias, hazelnuts, walnut, pecans and cashews are all excellent options, dry roasted makes them even better

1/2 C raspberries – I used frozen but fresh would be pretty fucking spectacular too

1/4 C cacao nibs – optional but give a tasty little bittersweet crunch

1.5 C chopped marshmallows chopped into 1-2 cm-ish chunks

You can play around with all the tasty chunky bits according to what you like; think coconut flakes, dehydrated or freeze dried berries, crystallised ginger, pepitas, random seeds and shit – all up you want about 2 cups of goodies per 200 for a pleasingly shitloaded chunk to chocolate ratio.

I’ve given two chocolate options here depending on how many fucks you have to spare, both  produce a damn delicious slab. The homemade one obviously requires a bit more effort but is totally worth it. It is however, a little less stable at room temperature so you’re best to keep it in the fridge until you want to serve it to avoid any unfortunate meltdowns. The store-bought block is also a totally legit option if you need a shortcut or just can’t be arsed. There’s no fucking shame in making life easier for yourself, call it efficient use of energetic resources. 

Homemade Chocolate

3/4 C coconut oil

1/2 C dark cocoa or cacao powder, sifted to eliminate lumps

1/4 C Natvia or other granulated stevia or your choice of sweetener (maple syrup, honey, rice malt syrup, coconut sugar), or if you are using pure stevia check the manufacturers label for 1/4 C equivalent which will be fuck all because that stuff is super concentrated so don’t go dumping too much in or your chocolate will be inedible.

1/2 tsp vanilla

Pinch of salt

Place all your ingredients in a pot and heat gently until the oil melts, all the sweetener has dissolved and you have a velvety smooth liquid.

If you’re using a microwave use a medium power setting and check and stir every 40-60 seconds until you have the same result.

Low Admin Chocolate

200 grams of dark chocolate – I like Lindt 90% but I know that’s a bit too much of the bitter and not enough of the sweet for some people so anything over 80% is ideal, but obviously use what appeals to your palate.

2 tsp coconut oil

Pour about an inch of water into a pot and bring to a gentle simmer.

Place a heat-safe bowl (glass or metal is ideal) on top of the pot so that the bottom of the bowl is not touching the water so the steam from the water will gently warm the bowl

Add the chopped chocolate to the bowl and stir occasionally with a spatula until smooth and melted then add the coconut oil and mix well to incorporate. Be careful not to get any water in the chocolate or it will seize which basically means it’s a bit fucked.

Of course you can do the same thing in the microwave, just make sure you use a lower power setting so you melt the chocolate rather than cooking it which will make it shitty and granular rather than smooth and glossy, again, a bit fucked.

Do this with it

Line a loaf pan or baking tray with non-stick paper leaving enough for it to hang over the sides for easy removal.

Throw all your rocky road chunky bits into a large bowl and mix well

Prepare your chocolate according to your preferred method above and let it cool very slightly so it’s not still boiling hot which will melt your marshies. This will still happen to a certain extent but I reckon a bit of a gooey marshmallow spread just adds to the rustic charm, at least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

Whack the tray in the fridge or freezer if you’re feeling impatient, leave for a couple of hours until set firm.

Remove from the place of coldness, run a knife under the hot tap to heat it then use it to release the edges from the tin. Lift your slab out and cut into squares. Or slices, triangles, chunks, lumps, it’s your gig, go wild.

Store in the fridge for as long as you can make it last (which is not very fucking long at all round here).

rocky road 1


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